Now Is
by ShutUpAndPull
Summary: Because I'm so enamored of their moment at the end of ep. 3x17 ("Countdown"): For Rick, there are things unsaid after their experiences during the case, and faced with those things, Kate makes a decision for her and for them.


_**Now Is**_

Rick stepped into the elevator and never looked back. He never saw her eyes on him, never saw as they silently called out for him, even as she stood with her arms wrapped around another man, a man she already knew would never win the race he didn't even know he was a part of.

Kate painted a smile on her face as though nothing was wrong and pulled out of the hug. She'd gotten quite good at pretending, so good she sometimes fooled even herself, but it was growing more and more difficult, and nearly dying in Rick's arms had done nothing to help that.

"That's a serious face," Josh said. "Everything okay?"

It wasn't, but the bullpen after everything that'd just happened wasn't the time or the place, so she brushed it off. "Yeah, fine. It's just been a long day, that's all." She found her eyes wandering back towards the elevator and chastised herself mutely. "What are you doing here? I thought I was seeing you later."

"I just thought it might be a nice surprise. I didn't realize I needed a reason," Josh snapped, feeling the unintended but discernible frost in her words.

Kate shut her eyes and took a breath in, tried to shake herself free of wherever her mind had taken her. "You don't need a reason. I'm sorry," she said, bringing a hand to his chest. "I'm still decompressing from everything with this case, I guess."

"Rick took off in a hurry," he said, moving past her apology without acknowledgment.

"Yeah," Kate agreed, stepping back towards her desk, "he, uh, he wanted to get home to see his family. They've been really worried." She had no idea if what she was saying was the truth, but it was the easiest out she had to play.

"So, it wasn't me, then," he said with a smug chuckle as he dropped into Castle's chair beside her desk. "Guess the timing was just a coincidence," he went on almost under his breath.

Kate eyed him for a brief minute before responding to his passive-aggressive remarks. She didn't like him sitting there. She didn't want him sitting there, and her surprisingly acute reaction to it caught her somewhat off guard. "Why would Castle leaving be about you, Josh?" she asked, sounding more like a cop than a partner.

"Never mind, it doesn't matter." He pushed out of the chair and she felt an immediate relief. "Can you take off?"

She pushed some paperwork around her desk as he awaited an answer. Related to their case or not, she wasn't ready to go. "I still have some stuff to take care of," she said. "I'll just see you later, okay?"

"Sure, yeah," he replied, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead. "I'm glad you're all right."

"Thanks," was all she said, and she just couldn't shake the sense of relief she felt as she watched him walk away.

 **xxxx**

Kate stepped off the elevator at her building nearly three hours later, her eyes weary and her thoughts unfocused. She hadn't heard from Josh yet, nor had she reached out. At that point, even the simplest of sentences felt like the greatest of effort. She'd left her father a message on the ride up, and she'd thought about calling Castle, too. She kept thinking about how he'd left the precinct earlier, and there was something it in that'd felt unfinished, somehow.

"Hey," she heard as she neared her apartment.

She looked up from her phone, startled to find anyone sitting at her door, let alone him. "Castle? What are you doing here?"

Rick stood, his muscles stiff from the hours in one place. "I left the precinct and didn't want to go anywhere else," he said. "I'm sorry if I frightened you."

Warmth crept instantly up the back of her neck as she fumbled for her keys. "It's okay. I just wasn't expecting anyone. You've been here the whole time?" She unlocked the door and pushed it open for him. "Come inside, Castle." He'd been there before, but she still felt a pang of excitement as she watched him walk through ahead of her.

"Not even Josh?" he asked, not angry but something.

Kate locked the door behind them and followed him as he wandered through the kitchen. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's not supposed to mean anything. Forget it."

"Rick," she said, pulling her day bag over her head and setting it on the counter, "what's going on?" He hadn't turned around to face her, and she couldn't see his face.

"We were one second away, today. One," he said, calling up their shared moment with all the emotion of still being in the midst of it. Kate took a step closer to him but remained quiet, his thought seemingly unfinished. "And there was still nowhere I would rather have been than standing in front of that van with you."

"Castle," was all she could manage before he finally turned and continued.

"I don't know if it was that second, or seeing Josh at the precinct, or the hours I just spent sitting against your door, but at some point I realized that I can't do this anymore."

Kate's body flashed cold instantly, and she reached out for the edge of the counter to help keep her body upright. It was as if he'd been inside her head and inside her thoughts and now he was standing there repeating them back to her. "Do what, Castle?" she asked, feeling ill-prepared for whatever answer might come.

Rick stepped towards her and her knees nearly buckled, his eyes fixed on hers. "I can't love you and pretend I don't. I can't love you and not say it. I can't love you and watch someone else get to have you," he confessed, barely pausing for a breath. "Every single thing I want in this life is inside of you, and I can't let the gift of one more second go by without you knowing that."

Her heart felt like a drum inside her chest, and his words its soloist. There were a thousand things to be said, things that could've been said long ago, but things that carried with them such fear of their impact. She lost things that were most important to her, and that'd paralyzed her where she stood all those years ago in that alley. "I don't…Rick," she hesitated, looking away, the honesty in his words like the bright of the sun.

"You don't what, Kate? You don't want me to say it out loud? Is it too real if you actually hear the words?"

He was standing so close now she could almost feel his body. She wanted to be furious. She wanted to turn and run. She couldn't understand how he knew. "No, I just, I don't know what to say, Castle. I just need time to-"

"You don't need time," he objected, rescuing her from a thought she wasn't sure how to finish. "Do you love him, Kate? If you don't, now is the time. This minute, right now."

She could feel the bitter cold of the freezer in her bones and the contrasting warmth of his body around hers. She'd almost told him then, her fear of opening that door she'd kept locked for so long all but dissolved in the face of death's knock. She wanted him to know, wanted to be free of the weight of her secret, but the return of light brought all of those fears right back to the surface.

"Tell me you love him and I'll go," Rick continued in her silence, his want of her denial palpable.

"I can't," she professed without knowing where the words came from, her eyes instantly wet with the emotion of release.

Rick curled his arm around her waist and pulled her against him, his mouth finding hers willing and eager. He'd known the sweet taste of her once before, but the euphoria elicited by her admission only served to heighten the sensation. "I can't," she whispered once more, her breath warm against his lips, her fingers clenched in fists around the fabric of his shirt. He backed her up to the counter and lifted her onto its edge, stepping into the space between her thighs and coming for her mouth again. She welcomed him and met his fervor, her body surrendering to the overwhelming titillation of relief.

"Say it again," he exhaled with selfish pleasure, her knees locked at his waist.

"It," she teased with an amused grin as she wet her lips in readiness of more.

Rick leaned in and kissed her neck. "Hey, you aren't allowed to be the funny one, too. That just isn't fair," he said, grazing her earlobe with his teeth. "That's my-" he started to say, a knock at the door interrupting his words. Kate pushed at his chest and off the counter as though caught, knowing well what the sound meant. "That's him," he said, his words not a question.

Kate looked up at him and he knew. "I need to talk to him, Castle. Alone."

Leaving was the very last thing he wanted to do, but he knew, for her, it had to be. His hand cupped the soft angle of her cheek. "Whenever it is, I don't care when, call me, okay?"

"I will," she said in promise, leaning into his touch before she broke for the door with him, a hand at her lower back, right behind. She pulled the door open after a breath for strength, the men exchanging but a glance as Rick slipped out. "Hi," she said as he disappeared down the hallway, Josh's expression speaking a thousand unspoken words.

"What was he doing here? I thought he went home to his family," he said, bypassing any pleasantries.

"Well, I guess he didn't, did he?" Kate bit back, reacting to his umbrage.

"You know, I'm not sure exactly when it was I became the bad guy here, Kate, but I'm damn sure I don't deserve it."

They hadn't moved from the entryway, Kate's fingers still wrapped around the handle of the door. "You're right," she said. "You don't."

"So, what the hell's going on? You've been acting like this for weeks," he pressed.

She knew when the moment had come, when she'd crossed the line she couldn't keep moving any longer. That night in the alley with Rick had changed everything. That night had made it impossible for her to continue to keep down what'd been inside her for so long, though she'd been desperately trying ever since. "I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean for it to happen like this."

"For what to happen, Kate?"

"All of these months...you've really meant a lot to me, Josh. You still mean a lot to me, but-"

He exhaled a knowing breath. "Just say it, Kate. You might as well just say it," he told her, prepared for words he expected might come.

She looked him in the eye because he deserved that, because she owed him that. "He means a lot to me, too, and I can't be in this for either of us when I know that's true," she said, wishing for so many reasons she'd felt brave enough to admit it sooner.

"I wish I could tell you I understood, Kate, but I don't. I just hope you know what you're doing and that you realize what it is you're giving up," he said, reaching for the door.

"Josh," she said softly as he brushed by her and walked off, but he never turned back. She wandered back inside and dropped onto the couch, overwhelmed by a day that had already done just that. It wasn't three minutes later when she heard another knock at the door.

"I told you I didn't want to go anywhere else," Rick said when she found him on the other side. "Are you okay?" he asked of sincere concern.

"I never wanted to hurt him, Castle. I really didn't."

He stepped inside and pulled her into him. "But you had to because you want me," he said playfully, in a way only he could, humor so often his course.

"When did I ever say that?" She fought with feigned resistance to free herself from his hold, but he wouldn't let her go.

"Your lips said it, and your eyes, and your hands," he replied hungrily, guiding her inside with tiny backwards steps.

"Well, maybe you're just a bad listener. Have you ever entertained that notion?" She slid her hands inside the lapels of his jacket, pushed it from his shoulders and down his arms until it fell to the floor. They tugged at his shirt next, freeing it from the waist of his jeans, wrinkled and warm from being tucked against his body. "I mean, have you ever listened to me, Castle? I'm trying to remember a time," she teased while her fingers walked his buttons.

"Hey, hey," he said, reaching for her hands. "You don't have to...I mean, we don't have to do this right now, Kate. After everything that's happened today with the case and Josh and me unloading all of this on you, it's a lot to process. I just don't want to rush into something you might end up regretting later."

"Castle," she said with the softest of smiles, "you're the one that reminded me tonight that all we have is now. There is no later. And, yes, this day has been a lot to process for a lot of reasons, but that doesn't mean I haven't imagined this moment or thought about it before."

"You have?" he asked with genuine surprise, though he'd always hoped it might be so.

Kate wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed. "You know, for a man who claims to know a lot about a lot, you seem to really need help with the whole women thing. And, to answer your question, yes, I have," she said earnestly. "I've tried very hard not to, believe me, but I always come back to you."

"God, why couldn't we have said all of this sooner," he sighed, pulling her in tight. "You have no idea how hard it is to want you and not be able to have you. You've been every wish I've had since the day we met."

"Castle," she whispered, "stop talking and take me into the bedroom."

 **xxxx**

She hadn't been into the bedroom since she'd arrived home, so it was still dark, the only light to speak of borrowed from the soft glow of the kitchen. He'd led her by hand to that new place, both for him and for them, the fog of disbelief lifting to reveal a most unforeseen reality. "I've never been in your bedroom before," Rick said, sounding all at once excited and sentimental.

"You've never earned it before," Kate quipped in flirtatious tone, breaking from his hand's grip and moving towards the bed to switch on a light.

"Okay, well, how exactly did I earn it this time? You know, so I can make a note for the future."

She turned and stepped back towards him, the room now softly illuminated. "Well, Castle, maybe you could keep a ticking bomb handy. That really seemed to help move things along," she said with a wink.

"I really do know nothing about women," he mumbled, shaking his head.

"I'll teach you," Kate purred before seizing his mouth with a force so strong, it knocked him off balance and sent him tumbling onto the bed.

He pushed himself back up into a seated position and ran a hand through his mussed hair. "Oh, I think I'm really going to love this class." Stretching his arm out, he grabbed her by one of the belt loops of her pants and pulled her between his knees. "Hey," he said circumspectly, his chin at rest against her belly and his eyes aimed upwards at hers, "are you sure you're okay with all of this?"

Kate silently traced the line of his brow with her fingertip before reaching for the hem of her sweater and lifting it over her head. "I'm going to go stand in a very hot shower and wash this case away, Castle," she said, handing it to him and backing away. "If I ask you to join me, will you promise not to ask me that again?"

"I will," he answered quickly, the scent of her permeating the air all around him. "I just...I will." He wanted to say more because there was more to say, but the time for her wasn't now.

"Give me five minutes, okay," she said before disappearing into the bathroom.

He sat and watched the door for the first minute in perfect awe of what was on the other side. Everything was in that room waiting for him, and he needed a moment to sit with that realization. Eventually, he sent a text message to Alexis to let her know he was fine and that he'd call at some point, set his phone and his watch on the dresser, and went in after Kate.

He could see the outline of her body beyond the pale shower curtain and his pulse quickened instantaneously in response. He didn't know what to do with himself, this territory he found himself in deliciously foreign, so he simply stood there and watched, listened as the water hit her bare skin and tumbled into the basin. It was almost melodic in its pattern, and he felt drawn into it as one often was a symphony. "Do you feel better?" he called out finally, announcing his presence.

"I was wondering when you were going to say something," Kate replied, peeking around the edge of the curtain. She looked him up and down with a grin. "You going to wear that?" she asked amused, disappearing again.

Rick began removing his clothes with haste, leaving them in an unceremonious pile where he stood. He stepped up to the far end of the bathtub and climbed inside, Kate's eyes closed as she let the steady stream of water cascade down her face and along her body. He instantly felt a loss of control over his own muscles at the sight of her, and he had to reach out for the tile of the wall to steady himself. It was like seeing a masterpiece of art for the very first time, glorious in its presentation and overwhelming in its power. "Kate," he somehow managed to push out.

She pulled her head forward and free of the running water with his voice, wiped the excess clear of her eyes, and began watching him as he watched her. "I'm okay with all of this, Castle," she said after a long moment. "I want all of this."

"There aren't words for how beautiful you are. Do you know that?" He inched forward, his palm still flat against the wall. "I want all of this."

Kate's body flew to his, and the sounds emanating from deep within her as she kissed him fueled his want like nothing ever had before. She managed to turn him so his back was pressed against the tile and she leaned into him, transferring the heat of the water and appreciating the immediate effect seeing her naked form had had on his body. "I think you're beautiful," she told him, shifting her attention from his neck to his ear. "And I want to feel all of you, Castle."

Rick seized necessary control and spun their positions, her power over his restraint stunningly profound. "Not yet," he told her, his eyes locked on hers, his hand tickling down her lower back and around her hip to the flat of her stomach. Her mouth was open in wait and he wanted to have it, but he wanted more to hear her when he found the spot his fingers craved. She squeezed at his shoulder and exhaled a gentle moan of his name as his thumb made contact, and he didn't relent. He moved in soft circles, over and over, again and again, and he watched her desirously as she bit at her lip while the sensation moved through her. "I like watching you do that," he said.

Kate's eyes found his again and asked wordlessly.

"I like watching you let go," he answered, increasing the speed and pressure of his motion. "I never get to see that."

Seconds later, her body began to shudder at his hand, and he moved in for her lips, absorbing the energy of her release and letting it wash over him. "I guess you don't need that lesson," she teased breathlessly as she began to come down.

"Thanks, Teach," he chuckled. "But I'm always looking to improve my skills, so I'll still be coming to class, a lot, if it's all the same to you." He winked and she smiled, as he backed into the hot water to soak himself.

She moved into him for a soft kiss. "Stay here and relax, and then come to bed," she told him, slipping out of the tub. "And leave your clothes here." She patted her skin dry and headed for the bedroom, forgoing all her other nightly rituals in an effort to save whatever energy she still had left for him.

Rick found her not ten minutes later tucked beneath the comforter with her eyes closed. He pulled the linens back and settled in beside her, her body instantly curling itself into him. "What took you so long?" she asked, though hardly any time had passed. "Mmm, your skin is warm." She pressed her lips against his chest and breathed him in.

"Go back to sleep," he said, reaching above her head to turn off the light.

"No," she protested, her voice filled with weariness. "I want to-"

He turned and kissed her forehead. "Shhh, later. But, hey," he whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Say it again."

"It," she replied with a gentle giggle before giving him the answer she knew he wanted. "I can't."

"Tell me why."

She drew her arm around his waist and tucked her fingers beneath him. "Because I don't love him."

"Tell me why."

Her answer didn't come quickly, but he waited without saying anything more. "Because I love you."

He marveled that he even had oxygen left in his lungs to speak. "I'm sorry. You love me? Did you say you love me?"

"You heard me, Castle," she grumbled, knowing how he was and that something more was surely coming.

He kissed her forehead again. "Oh, so it turns out I am a pretty good listener after all then, huh?" he gloated before she pinched his side in retaliation and drifted off.


End file.
